Agh.

When we moved to Maryland, my good friend Jonathan couldn’t tell me enough about how much I was going to hate the bugs here. Overall, I haven’t really had much problem with the little suckers, and they haven’t been as prevalent and bothersome, as my mind would have had me believe. Until this morning. 

As I was leaving for work, I decided to grab our mail out of the mail box, we’d left it sitting for several days and it was starting to overflow. As I reached in and grabbed the first handful of mail, I felt web, and thought, “weird, whatever.”

That’s what I thought.

When I went back for the second handful of mail, a fucking gigantic, brown, hairy spider, whose fangs I could see came out with it, it was moving fast toward my fingers.

I went, “agh.”

just look at that, imagine the sound, that is the sound I made, I went, “agh.” I then tossed the mail away from me, scattering it around the porch. At first I felt and looked around myself, wanting to make sure the spider was nowhere near me, thankfully, it wasn’t. 

I was breathing heavily, and had a good adrenaline rush going at this point, and began to flip the scattered mail over piece by piece. The spider was not under the first two pieces, so, gingerly, with the toe of my shoe, i flipped the third piece over. 

There it was, my enemy, broken and dead, smashed under nothing more than the weight of a piece of mail. I had just worked myself into a frenzy over a monster that could be destroyed by the weight exerted by a couple of ounces of electricity bill.

I started laughing maniacally, pumped my fist in triumph and kicked his dead carcass into the bushes, my foe vanquished.

“Bitch.”